Volume 1: River City Tune - Chapter 32: The Decision (Part II)

Xu Cang’s sudden outburst startled everyone in the courtyard. His shrill, howling cries carried a desolate, helpless quality, reminiscent of a cuckoo weeping blood. Only his mother, sharing an intuitive maternal bond, grew instantly anxious. She rushed toward him, crying, "My son, don't lose your mind! If you didn't pass this time, there is always the next. You will surely succeed eventually."

"It’s over. I study diligently day and night; I know the scriptures better than anyone, yet I fail year after year. It is fate. I am simply not meant to become a scholar... Mother, your son is unfilial, I..."

"My son, don't frighten me so..." Seeing his hollow eyes and hearing his desperate words, Mother Xu was gripped by extreme panic. She tried to console him, but it was useless. Xu Cang continued, lost in his own world: "What is death? I shall just die!" With that, he wrenched himself free from his mother’s grasp and bolted toward the well in the front yard.

Just as his mother and siblings shrieked in terror, someone stepped ahead of them, blocking Xu Cang’s path. While grabbing his arm, the man swung his other fist, landing a heavy blow against Xu Cang’s cheek. The force knocked him sideways, though he remained upright, held fast by the man's grip.

The action was so sudden that the terrified Xu family could only gasp. It was only then that they recognized the man as Li Ling. His expression was grim; he pushed the stunned Xu Cang to the ground and loomed over him, glaring fiercely. "Have you gone mad enough yet?"

The punch and the shove were delivered with full force, leaving Xu Cang dizzy and disoriented. Yet, a spark of clarity returned to his eyes as he finally recognized his assailant. "Li... Li Ling!"

"That’s right, it’s me! Brother Xu, I never imagined you were the type of man to act like this. Is a failed exam really enough to make you throw your life away? Do you even look like a man anymore? You’ve left your aging mother and your siblings terrified, all because you wanted to end it all!"

"If years of studying the sages have only brought you to this state, then it is no wonder you haven't passed the scholar’s exam in five years—you don't deserve to! You aren't even qualified to be a son or a brother, yet you dare speak to me about pursuing the path of the imperial examinations? It is truly laughable!"

Li Ling’s sudden, torrential downpour of harsh criticism stunned the Xu family, who had intended to intervene. Xu Cang, feeling completely crushed, shrank back, his mouth agape, unable to utter a single word. "I..."

"What? Am I wrong? You’ve read so many classics; don't you know what Mencius said? 'When Heaven is about to confer a great office on any man, it first exercises his mind with suffering, subjects his sinews and bones to toil, exposes his body to hunger, subjects him to extreme poverty, and frustrates his actions...' How can you harbor thoughts of suicide over such a minor setback? It is disgraceful! Have you no thought for your elderly mother or your young siblings?"

"I remember you telling me that you studied thanks to your mother sewing for others, and that you promised to provide for her once you succeeded. You said your siblings sacrificed so much for you, and that you would compensate them in the future. And now, you want to use death to escape all of that? Have you fed all those years of sage wisdom to the dogs?"

This barrage of reprimands hit home, each word a sharp blade piercing Xu Cang’s conscience. Overcome with immense shame, his lips quivered as he stammered, "I... I was wrong. I was momentarily blinded by despair, which is why such thoughts arose..."

"Don't tell me. Tell your mother. Tell your family." Seeing him regain his senses, Li Ling finally relaxed, stood up, and pulled Xu Cang to his feet.

Ashamed, Xu Cang looked at his mother, then at his siblings, whose faces were still pale with fright. "Mother, your son was wrong. I will never do this again."

"My son, as long as you are safe, that is all that matters..." Mother Xu felt a wave of dizziness, her body swaying as if she might collapse. Fortunately, Xu Cang’s younger brother, Xu Chao, reacted quickly and supported her.

The family panicked again, scrambling to carry Mother Xu into the house to lie down. Li Ling followed, his heart sinking as he surveyed the barren, destitute room. Every family has its own hardships; the Xu family’s situation was no better than his own had been a few months ago.

Once Mother Xu was settled and being tended to by her daughter, Xu Mei, Xu Cang felt a slight sense of relief. He stepped outside with Li Ling. Though his complexion remained pale, his spirit was much improved. After a moment of hesitation, he offered his gratitude: "Brother Li, thank you for today."

"Hmph, I hope this is the last time you ever lose control like this. Otherwise, I would truly grieve for your mother and the rest of your family. I just don't understand—it’s only a failed exam. Is it really worth killing yourself over?"

"I... I have failed the academy exams for five consecutive years. And you have seen the state of my home. I felt such shame and urgency, leading to deep despair. Perhaps I am simply not meant for the imperial path." Xu Cang was much calmer now, even able to admit he might lack the talent for the exams.

Li Ling looked at him closely. "You don't need to be so self-deprecating. You have only studied for ten years and failed for five. In truth, there are many people in this world much worse off than you, men much older who still haven't passed the scholar's exam. My own father is over forty, and he hasn't achieved anything either."

His words left Xu Cang speechless. In a society that prized filial piety, it was improper for a son to criticize his father so bluntly, and as an outsider, Xu Cang could not comment on it.

Li Ling changed the subject. "However, you are right about one thing: the imperial examination is not for everyone. It doesn't mean that if you study hard, wake early, and work late, you are guaranteed to pass. If you truly feel there is no hope, you should know when to step away. We still have to live our lives, don't we? There are plenty of jobs in this world. Does not passing the exam or becoming an official mean we cannot provide a good life for ourselves and our families?"

"But I... I have studied since childhood. I cannot carry heavy loads, I cannot do manual labor, and I have no strength. I know nothing else. What could I possibly do?" Xu Cang smiled bitterly.

"That is not necessarily true. You could write books, become a tutor at a private school, or work as a scribe. There is always work you are capable of. You were just blinded by the single path of the imperial exams. Once you step out of that trap, you will discover a vast world."

"This..." Xu Cang still hesitated. Li Ling pressed on: "Think of your mother. Her hands are full of needle-prick scars from working. She is not yet old, but what happens when she truly ages? You are the eldest son, the pillar of the family. Do you really intend to rely on your mother to support your studies forever? Or do you think your siblings can sacrifice everything for you? Even if they were willing, could you bear it?"

"A life should not be lived solely for an ideal; one must also be grounded and contribute to the livelihood of oneself and one's family. If you don't even understand this, then you truly have wasted all those years reading the sages!"

Li Ling’s words were sincere and logical, causing Xu Cang’s expression to shift repeatedly. After a long silence, he bowed solemnly to Li Ling. "Thank you, Brother, for waking me up. I know what choice I must make now."

"Good. Now, you must pull yourself out of the shadows of failure and regain your spirit. If you need my help, just come to me." Li Ling patted his shoulder and prepared to leave.

Just as Li Ling took two steps away, Xu Cang called out from behind: "By the way, what was it you wanted to see me about today?"

"I originally wanted to ask you some questions about the classics, but you are not in the right state of mind today. Let’s leave it for another time."

"Are... are you planning to take the imperial exams?"

"As I just said, we can all give ourselves more options. Since you and Brother Gu both said I should try, I will go take the exam once. If I pass, that is for the best. If I don't, I will find another path. I do not wish to waste my prime years on this one thing alone."

Xu Cang was silent, his heart filled with complex emotions. He sensed a carefree spirit in Li Ling, a relaxed attitude toward the exams that he had never possessed. He felt a pang of envy.

As Li Ling walked away, his own thoughts were racing. Although he had decided to attempt the exams, he hadn't thought much of it until now. But after witnessing Xu Cang’s breakdown, he made a firm resolution: he would walk the path of the imperial exams, but only this once. It would not just be an excuse to placate Yue'er.

If he could pass and become a scholar—or achieve even more—that would be excellent. If not, he would abandon it completely. Life is magnificent; having been reborn, he would not allow himself to be shackled by this single pursuit.

At that moment, the last trace of hesitation in Li Ling’s heart vanished. He felt a newfound sense of clarity, and his demeanor shifted, carrying a different kind of poise. He knew this was his best state of mind, and he would take the exam with that perfection, fulfilling his duty to the original owner of this body.

Behind him, Xu Cang turned around, his gaze now firm and resolute. Upon returning to the house, he knelt before his mother: "Mother, I have made my decision..."

Hearing her son speak and seeing the transformation in his expression, the mother lying on the bed finally revealed a smile of relief.