Chapter Eighteen: Father, I Miss You So Much

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“You didn’t close the door properly. You must be in a bad mood again; your stomach must be hurting.”
“Yeah, it’s nothing. I’ll feel better after resting a bit.”

I wasn’t sure how much of the argument between Zhao Xinzhe and me she had overheard.

My stomach pain didn’t improve; instead, it worsened.

It was probably because I got angry just now, and the pain was even more unbearable than when I was in the bathroom this afternoon.

I didn’t want Ji Leqing to see me grimacing and looking miserable from the pain, so I forced myself to act like nothing was wrong and waved her off.

“You should go out first.”

Instinctively, I reached to touch the medicine bottle in my shirt pocket, but the pain blurred my vision.

Trembling, I tried to pour the pills into my palm, but couldn’t get any out.

A hand took the bottle from in front of my eyes, efficiently poured the medicine, and pressed it into my mouth.

Then, a glass of water was handed to me. “Drink this.”

Swallowing the water mixed with medicine, after a few minutes, the excruciating pain finally subsided.

I felt like I had been pulled out of water. Stray strands of hair stuck to my face, damp with sweat, which trickled down from my temples to my jawline.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah, thank you. I’ll go wash my face.”

I got up and walked toward the bathroom; my calves felt heavy as lead, yet my feet seemed to float on cotton, making me need support to avoid falling.

Looking at the ghostly reflection in the mirror, my heart jolted, then I patted my chest to calm myself.

I really scared myself.

Thinking of Ji Leqing still waiting for me, I roughly wiped my face with a towel and stepped out.

Ji Leqing had already set the table with dishes and utensils. Like at noon, there were three dishes plus a nourishing stomach soup that had been simmering all afternoon.

I hadn’t helped with anything and was even called to eat by Ji Leqing.

Ashamed, I buried my head and ate quickly, avoiding eye contact with her sitting opposite me.

“Don’t eat so fast, it’s bad for your stomach. How come you still haven’t broken this habit?”

Her reminder made me realize that I had eaten more than half of the rice in my bowl shortly after sitting down.

It was a habit ingrained since childhood—eating fast and hurriedly, swallowing food whole if possible.

When I was young, besides going to school, I had to help with household chores—plowing fields, cutting grass, feeding livestock, and weaving bamboo baskets to sell at the market.

Life was like a spinning top; whenever I wanted to stop, life’s whip would strike me. Not a moment could be wasted.

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I guessed that besides emotional factors, my bad eating habits were also an undeniable cause of my stomach cancer.

Had I known I would get stomach cancer, I would have chewed slowly and eaten on time. But now, regretting it was useless.

“Yeah, I’ll be careful.”

Suddenly, I deliberately slowed down my chewing, feeling awkward all over, like a cow or horse chewing fodder in a pen.

Ji Leqing glanced at me now and then, amused by my appearance.

“Eating like it’s torture—is my cooking that bad?”

“No, just not used to chewing slowly.”

Finally finishing the meal, I took the initiative to put the dishes in the dishwasher and wiped the table.

After Ji Leqing returned to her room, I noticed a folder on the table and thought to bring it to her.

Just as I was about to knock, I saw the door was slightly ajar. I hesitated whether to push it open.

“Zhao Xinzhe, why do I have to tell you that I returned to the country? My affairs have nothing to do with you.”

“If it weren’t for Jiang Jian, you and I wouldn’t have any connection at all. I told you this long ago.”

“We’re all adults. There’s no point in being shameless, understand?”

Through the crack in the door, I saw the room was dark. In the shadows, Ji Leqing stood by the floor-to-ceiling window. The light from her phone illuminated her profile.

In her other hand, a faint red glow flickered—she was smoking.

I heard a faint buzzing above my head; probably the smoke sensor had triggered the air purifier.

“Stop standing outside. What do you want?”

“Your file. I thought I’d bring it to you.”

I pushed the door open and instinctively reached for the light switch on the wall.

“No need to turn on the light.”

Ji Leqing approached me, took the file, casually placed it on the desk, and stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray.

“Get some rest early. Whatever Zhao Xinzhe says to you, just take it as nonsense.”

In my memory, Ji Leqing hardly ever swore, but now she cursed. She must really be angry.

I didn’t want to provoke her further, so I nodded and turned to leave.

Back in my room, I lay on the big bed, curtains drawn, lights off, the room plunged into pitch black.

I stared blankly at the darkness above, wondering what kind of tomorrow awaited me upon waking.

After lying there for more than two hours without falling asleep, I reached for the cigarette pack on the bedside table.

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I couldn’t help but pull one out. Just as I pressed the lighter to light it, I remembered what Lin Xingfan had told me.

Thinking it over, I tossed both the pack and lighter into the trash.

Forget it, better to live a few days longer without smoking.

I turned on the light and walked to the desk, looking at the box holding my father’s erhu. I reached out and gently stroked it.

“Dad, you died so young—why didn’t you watch over me from the other side?”

“You told me before you left that you hadn’t seen your grandson. Now, that’s impossible, but soon you’ll see your son.”

I laughed at myself for such a dark joke—between me and my father, it shouldn’t count against my merit.

After rambling to my father’s erhu for a long time, I suddenly yawned; finally, I felt sleepy.

Perhaps because of the day’s thoughts, I dreamt of my father after a long time.

In my familiar mountain village’s humble courtyard, my father was not the emaciated figure from his final days but the strong, upright man I remembered from my childhood.

“Dad… is it really you?”

“You little brat, you don’t even recognize your own father? I’ll teach you a lesson!”

He grabbed a broom standing by the wall and chased me, and years of conditioned reflex made me sprint away.

While running, I begged for mercy, “Dad, I’m sorry! I’m a grown man now, why do you still hit me?”

“You little bastard, even if you’re seventy or eighty, I’m still your father!”

In the end, the broom never touched me; he just patted my shoulder.

“Da Bao, you’ve suffered a lot over the years…”

“Dad…”

He said nothing, just pulled me to sit on a small bench in the yard. I saw that worn erhu he somehow produced, and he began to play, the sound as harsh as a dying donkey.

But unlike my childhood, I didn’t cover my ears and grimace to run away. Instead, I quietly sat beside him, watching.

“Wow, you little bastard, sitting here quietly without running off. That’s new.”

“Dad, I’m a failure. I couldn’t even keep your erhu safe.”

He sighed, then lifted a sincere and proud smile. “Nonsense, my son is the best!”

I covered my face, sobbing uncontrollably, “Dad… I miss you so much…”