Chapter Ninety-Six: My System Could Never Be This Lewd (Part One)

“Ding!”

“What, it’s not over yet?” Zhang Yu urgently needed time to come to terms with what had just happened.

“Congratulations, Host. You have successfully completed the [Prestige Quest]: raise your reputation to [A Man of Great Renown Under Heaven].

[Quest Reward]: the item [Feather Fan of the Elegant Scholar].

Item description: Kongming? Gongjin? From now on, I belong only to you!

Item function: a goose-feather fan that can still be used in summer.”

What the hell? That absurd item name, that ridiculously overblown item description, that utterly inhuman item function!

And now this wildly bizarre new system.

If my grandmother fell over, I still wouldn’t help her up, but I’d salute you for this.

Suppressing the urge to complain, Zhang Yu decided to look further before saying anything else.

Who would have thought that the moment he clicked into the interface, the old refined, classical theme had already been replaced by a brown background that looked like a woven mat.

“I say, was it really necessary to make the style as plain and brisk as a search engine homepage? You’re a system that stands for class. Where’s your dignity? Forget looks altogether?”

“Ding. This update mainly expands and enriches the content, striving for substance over appearance, and placing a certain degree of refinement on superficial flashiness.”

“So your ‘refinement’ means no appearance at all?” Zhang Yu laughed in exasperation. “That way, no matter how bad the substance is, it’s still better than the exterior. You’d be born invincible.”

“Thank you for your praise, Host.”

“Praise your sister. Are you insane?”

Zhang Yu rolled his eyes. “Is this really a system, or a... another me wearing a system skin?”

He quickly cut off that terrifying thought, then asked in his mind, “Has the 3.0 version of the system become smarter?”

“You may understand it that way. As a new-generation flagship product of Earth’s top cutting-edge research institute, the higher the system version, the higher the degree of artificial intelligence.”

“Will it eventually become a person? Can it be shaped according to the image in my head?”

“Relevant information has not yet been opened. The system has no way of knowing.”

“...Then tell me about the new features.”

Zhang Yu flipped onto the bed in two strides and sat cross-legged with unusual reverence.

“Besides simplifying the interface, this update further added new content.”

“The main additions are: military general information, faction information, and item information coverage. The breadth of coverage will gradually improve with the Host’s wider experiences and the system’s future upgrades, until it encompasses all information.”

“Mm... First let me ask: can the old interface still be switched back?”

“May I ask whether the Host truly wants to switch it back?”

“What the hell?” Zhang Yu froze. “Of course I do!”

“Then no—heh heh heh.”

...

“I have a censored word I’m not sure I should say. Who taught you to be so sleazy? Is this artificial intelligence or artificial stupidity?”

Hearing that not-quite-smooth anthropomorphic voice actually flirting with him, Zhang Yu nearly sprang straight off the bed.

“As the new-generation flagship product of Earth’s top cutting-edge research institute, this system is automatically equipped with an emotional-photonic holographic conduction device.

Therefore, the longer the system resides within the Host, the more irreversibly it will come to resemble the Host’s own temperament.”

“Heh! Your father here is this handsome—how could he be as sleazy as you?”

“Being sleazy is a temperament, unrelated to appearance. Besides, the system is very handsome.”

“What? You even have a face?”

“Of course not. How could a system have a face? The Host is so stupid.”

“Then what the hell are you being handsome for?”

“Of course I was lying to you—heh heh heh.”

If this thing hadn’t been in his head, Zhang Yu would have dragged it out and beaten it to death.

He hurriedly cut off the topic and decided to explore the new system’s features himself. Who would have thought—

“Host, would you like this system to introduce—”

“Get lost.”

“Life is fleeting; meeting is fate. Little Sys will work hard to become better, Host, keep it up, muah~”

“I’m going...” Zhang Yu was stunned. The rough, constipated-sounding male voice from moments ago had suddenly turned into a silky loli voice, making his entire body erupt in goosebumps.

“Come back! ...Fine, then I, this emperor, shall reluctantly listen to you!”

“Sorry. You told me to get lost, so I got lost. You told me to come back, so I got lost farther away.”

“...I won’t hold it against you for being such an oddball. Can you keep the voice from just now?”

“You filthy pervert. You actually want this old man to act cute? Wahahahaha!”

...

Shivering all over, Zhang Yu opened the system’s main interface. The first thing that appeared was his social circle, or rather, the bond chart.

His parents and Liu Bei were blood relations. Zhao Yun and Diao Xiu’er were his sworn elder brother and sworn elder sister. The affinity of these five was not displayed; they were as close as could be.

Ying’er, Han Yan, and Zhen Luo each had a special bond at the maximum value of 99: [Heart’s Delight].

Han Long, Xiahou Lan, Cao Xing, and Han Meng were the true historical generals among the Eighteen Riders of Yanyun. Their affinities toward him were [At His Command], at 99, 97, 93, and 90 respectively.

Further down were Zhang Fei and Guan Yu, with 92 and 91, bound by [Intimate Companionship], and Cai Yong at 94, under [Golden and Jade Bond, of Different Generations].

These were the figures who had formed special bonds with him above ninety. Excluding his parents and Ying’er, Han Yan, and the like, who were not “generals,” there were eleven in total.

Among those who had reached the [Friend] bond with affinities above eighty were Yuan Shao at 84, Dong Bai at 81, and the rather special [Bamboo Grove Five].

Wang Can, Xu Gan, Ruan Yu, Wang Tang, the three “Seven Masters of Jian’an,” plus some oddball who had come out of nowhere, together with himself, had unexpectedly formed the bond [Bamboo Grove Five], with affinities all hovering around 85.

Just as Zhang Yu reached this point, the system chimed in again:

“Would the Host like the ‘version-compatible’ bond titles?”

“How exactly are they compatible?” Zhang Yu had a bad feeling about this.

“[Heart’s Delight] — [Only Pineapple]
[At His Command] — [Point and Hit]
[Golden and Jade Bond, of Different Generations] — [Young and Old Alike]...”

...Are you sure this counts as ‘compatible’? Fine, those are one thing, but what the hell is [Bamboo Grove Five Gays]!?

“Get lost, get lost, get lost!”

He flung those bizarre titles out of his mind and looked at the people who had not yet formed bonds.

Cai Yan had gradually risen back to 62. Zhang Liao was at 64. Wang Yun had reached 71. The young Emperor Xian was at 74. Dong Zhuo was 51. Jia Xu was 55. Chunyu Xia was 47. Zhi Ping, Zhi Qi, and Jing Shu were all fluctuating around 40...

These could only be described as relationships that were not very good. Yet there were even worse ones.

Gao Ping, 7.
Chunyu Qiong, 3.
Duan Ao, -18.
Zhang Xiu, -33...

Zhang Yu wiped at the cold sweat that did not even exist on his forehead.

“If you don’t make people hate you, you’re mediocre!”

Aside from the bond chart in the center of the interface, Zhang Yu’s personal information was also displayed on the right. From top to bottom, it read:

Prestige: 12,200 (22,600).
Experience: 4,200

Martial Strength — 37
(Your bed is your battlefield, but your shockingly awful constitution proves you’re still better suited to monogamy.)

Command — 40
(Apart from using your power to bully people, you don’t seem to have much leadership ability.)

Intelligence — 66
(As a transmigrator, your intelligence is wildly unstable. That’s pretty damn cool.)

Politics — 57
(You are proficient in the names of many ancient and modern policies.)

Charm — 95
(As handsome as this system.)